Sir Humphrey Appleby Quotes

I think there is something that perhaps you ought to know yes the identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures to assume but not to put too fine a point on it the individual in question is it may surprise you to learn one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun

We'll give them every support short of help. Four Stages of strategy 1: Nothing is going to happen 2: Something may be going to happen but we should do nothing about it 3: Maybe we should do something about but there is nothing we can do 4: Maybe we could have done something but it is too late now

I recommend that we set up an interdepartmental committee with fairly broad terms of reference so that at the end of the day, we'll be in a position to think through the various implications and arrive at a decision based on long-term considerations rather than rush prematurely into precipitate and possibly ill conceived action which might well have unforeseen repercussions.

Unfortunately, although the answer was indeed clear, simple, and straightforward, there is some difficulty in justifying the assignment of the fourth epithet you applied to the statement. Inasmuch as the precise correlation between the information you communicated and the facts, insofar as they can be determined and demonstrated, is such as to cause epistemological problems, artificial magnitude is to lay upon the logical and semantic resources of the English language a heavier burden than they can reasonably be expected to bear. You told a lie. You did not tell the truth.

I’m sorry, Minister, but sometimes one is forced to consider the possibility that affairs are being conducted in a way which, all things being considered and making all possible allowances, is not — to put too fine a point on it — perhaps not entirely straightforward.

It is characteristic of all committee discussions and decisions that every member has a vivid recollection of them and that every member's recollection of them differs violently from every other member's recollection. Consequently we accept the convention that the official decisions are those and only those which have officially recorded in the minutes by the officials, from which it emerges with an elegant inevitability that any decision which has been officially reached will have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials and any decision which is not recorded in the minutes has not been officially reached even if one or more members believe they can recollect it, so in this particular case if the decision had been officially reached it would have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials. And it isn't so it wasn't.

I think that the Secretary of State for Defence fears that this may create some insoluble opportunities.

So that means you need to know things even when you don't need to know them. You need to know them not because you need to know them but because you need to know whether or not you need to know. If you don't need to know, you still need to know so that you know that there is no need to know.

A minister is asked whether he managed to get anything done while working with Humphrey. He admits he achieved almost nothing, explaining that it took him a full year to understand Humphrey’s method of delaying action. He describes Humphrey’s five‑stage stalling technique:

Stage 1 – “You’re new”; Humphrey begins by saying the administration is still new and has many urgent matters to handle, implying the minister’s idea should wait.
Stage 2 – Questioning the method; If the minister insists, Humphrey praises the intention but questions whether the proposed approach is really the right way to achieve the goal.
Stage 3 – Shifting from how to when; If the minister still pushes, Humphrey stops debating the method and instead delays the timing, suggesting it should be done later.
Stage 4 – Claiming difficulties; If the minister continues, Humphrey says the policy has run into “difficulties”—technical, political, or legal. Legal difficulties are especially useful because they can be made completely incomprehensible.
Stage 5 – The election excuse; After about three years of delay, Humphrey finally warns that the next general election is approaching and questions whether the minister can realistically push the policy through in time. The minister is baffled that it takes three years. The explanation: Humphrey does absolutely nothing unless constantly chased. This is described as “creative inertia.”

Polling.

“Mr Woolley, are you worried about the number of young people without jobs?” — Yes. “Are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?” — Yes. “Do you think there’s a lack of discipline in our comprehensive schools?” — Yes. “Do you think young people welcome some authority and leadership in their lives?” — Yes. “Do you think they respond to a challenge?” — Yes. “Would you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?” — Yes. “There you are, you see, Bernard — the perfect balanced sample.”